The Loss of Self Care

Different kinds of ways to cope.

Trying not to lose all hope.

My pen holds my truth and notes.

Poems and work and useful quotes.

I lost two notebooks.

Trying to deal with losing tools of my muse.

That harbor my thoughts.

My healing.

Carrying words that I wrote about them.

Carrying not in my soul, but beside me.

Everyday.

Beside me.

In physical form.

Lies. Deception. Demons.

Those pages contained hurt and humor.

And of love and sadness.

Now gone.

And feeling loss.

The loss of my self care.

It beats the bottle.

I beat that taste 31 years ago.

I mean 3 weeks ago.

We go through loss in different ways.

When she died, I drank.

It hurt.

Not just her loss.

That taste is a different pain.

You put so much into those tools of self care.

And when you lose them

Or when you don’t have access to them

You torment yourself.

But who is to blame?

My memory isn’t the same after being an alcoholic.

I drank to forget other memories.

Or drank while reflecting on moments past.

Which causes memory loss.

Using marijuana to cope

Also creates memory loss.

My partner keeps me of everything.

I hate note being able to remember.

I see what my mother’s chemo brain has done to her.

So writing keeps me on track.

It helps me to put in order all of my thoughts and lists in my head.

I use pens and notebooks to remember.

So losing two notebooks are like losing my memory.

Like I’ve lost pieces of my mind.

Nothing is forever.

Relationships. Books. Pens. Lighters. Lovers. Diets. Sobriety. Prayer. Conversation. Moments. Time. Life.

Loss is natural.

I must remember that.

And that is why I write it all down.

To reaffirm it.

To reaffirm it.

Loss is natural.

Maybe that stupid song is right.

I can keep all of those thoughts or I can let it go.

It will take time.

But my healing has already begun.

By picking up this pen.

Instead of picking up a bottle.

Starting over.

Letting go.

Moving forward.

In a good way.

I lost two friends.

I’ll miss them.

I’ll remember them.

Teachings come (from the Creator) in all types of ways.

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